Opinion: Who needs marriage? 8 tips for singles, by Nigerian influencer Adebusola Dele-Davids

Brenda is forty. She's achieved career success, earns six figures, owns her house, and drives a Tesla, but she's got a lot of people discussing in muted tones: “Isn’t it a shame she's not married?"

Vina has everything going for her. She's carving a niche in her industry. However, it's not sufficient for some people, particularly those who know that she has survived a bad marriage. They fail to recognise Vina's accomplishments and instead murmur: "It's such a pity she's divorced."

Rick had a beautiful baby boy last year with a lady friend. Unfortunately, things didn't work out. They've decided to move on and co-parent. But he keeps getting whispers of: "It's a shame you're not married to your son's mother. The boy is going to grow up with no father figure."

Familiar? A lot of unmarried people can relate to the way society views singleness as pitiable. Most times, it's believed the male has an advantage. His biological clock isn't ticking like that of the female.

Why does society believe that being single is failing, no matter what you've achieved? Why does society assume that everyone wants marriage, or everyone ought to marry? For some people, singleness is bliss. Some have tasted marriage and it left a sour taste in their mouth.

The society views marriage as a cornerstone for strong families. Let's consider society's return on relationships (ROR) in a marriage. It includes companionship, children, and mutual support. In our changing world, singles can have all these without a marriage contract. So why are they perceived as failures or looked down on?

Do we have people from dysfunctional families who are thriving? Yes. 

Do we have people from functional families who are struggling? I suppose that’s also a yes.

Do we have single parents who have raised successful children? A yes.

Is this piece against marriage? No, not at all. I acknowledge the beauty of marriage. It's for two people who are emotionally and psychologically prepared for it, equipped for the journey of a lifetime, and possess the mindset for marriage. What I take issue with is the societal pressure imposed on singles, causing them to feel inadequate and inferior. This burden society places upon them often leads to settling for less than they deserve. Societal pressure has left many wounded, emotionally bankrupt, and some shattered. Tragically, it has even led some to early graves.

Taking Africa as a case study, marriage laws are not strictly enforced. Men often evade consequences due to the patriarchal nature of the culture. Many women succumb to oppressive marriages, losing their identities and seeing their dreams shattered. Society remains content as long as these women stay married. In contrast, their Western counterparts benefit from more robust legal protections. Alimony and child support are mandatory when a marriage ends.

In Africa, there's often pressure to enter into marriage, and if it fails, you're perceived as a failure. The irony is that this pressure often ceases after a divorce. Instead, you're viewed as damaged goods, not very marketable, especially if you already have children, with diminishing value in the eyes of society.

Marriage should be a choice, like any other life decision. People who opt to remain single or find themselves single shouldn't face shame. Marriage serves as a means to an end and not as an end in itself. It isn't inherently an achievement; it's wonderful if it occurs, but equally fine if it doesn't. 

Fulfilling your life purpose is an achievement. Being referred to as 'Mrs. Somebody' without fulfilling your purpose can't bring you true happiness. Many people believe their partners are the sole source of their happiness. However, if you aren't happy as a single person, you won't find happiness in marriage. Happiness comes from within—it's an internal endeavour. You cannot give what you lack.

In the end, it is not our marital status that defines us, but the positive impact we have made in people’s lives. 

To conclude, I would like to offer the following advice to singles, whether it's a temporary phase or a permanent decision:

1) Enjoy your single life – Embrace it.

2) Personal growth is crucial.

3) Cultivate your own happiness.

4) Be deliberate in shaping your life.

5) Explore the world and broaden your horizons.

6) Prioritize your health above all else.

7) Achieve financial independence.

8) Foster friendships and support your family.

The opinions and thoughts expressed in this article reflect only the author's views.